Why NOT Me?

In the process of grieving, it is important to recognize both healthy and unhealthy thoughts will enter your mind. At times you may even feel ashamed of what occurs to you...for me, one such instance meant wondering about whether or not to have more children when I was in the midst of dealing with our current child's terminal illness. But don't be afraid of these thoughts - they occur to all of us in one form or another. I took comfort that when they did, my husband and I have a trusting enough relationship that we could admit them to each other without fear of judgment or reprisal.

That being said, grief can take you to some dark places, and can drown you at times if you let it. So embrace what comes, but also take a moment to realize for yourself what are healthy thoughts and which ones aren't productive. There are some questions you can ask yourself over, and over, and over again and they just won't ever lead anywhere definitive or good. "What if...?" is one example, because there is no such thing as "what if", only "what is."

Perhaps the foremost question we all ask ourselves when something bad happens is "Why me?" How, as a society, did this become our frame of reference? Was it because of the much televised crowbar attack on Nancy Kerrigan in the mid '90s, when we all saw her on camera, clutching her damaged knee and sobbing, "Why me?"

I cannot deny I've asked myself this question in the past, but I now realize the error in my thinking. Asking "why me?" seems to connote that I've done something wrong, and makes me feel guilty or worthy of punishment. Was I not kind enough? Pretty enough? Smart enough? You name it. But the truth is, and what Hailey taught me, is that we can just as easily ask, "Why not me?"

"Why not me?" is a healthier question, on so many levels. We remove the conceit of assuming we are any better, or any more or less deserving than anyone else. It acknowledges, in a way, that there may very well be no rhyme or reason to what has happened. It may sound entitled when used with a tone of deserving, but is SO humbling when it comes from a place of suffering.

When it became clearer and clearer that Hailey was not going to survive her illness, I sobbed. I asked not "Why me?", but "Why her?" Are babies not the most pure among all of us? There is no way Hailey could have done anything to deserve what she got, and I sobbed and pleaded that I didn't want whatever lessons *I* had to learn to be at *her* expense. But I came to realize that God is in control, and that is something for Him - not me - to decide.

Hailey passed away due to a multisystem genetic disorder so rare that it was only named in the 1980s and modern medicine has only written about 50 cases worldwide. 50 cases. Do you know how many people there are in the world? 7 BILLION --- I had to look it up. With that kind of luck, my husband and I joked that maybe we should play the lottery.

But you know what? Why not us? We aren't better (or hopefully any worse) than most other folks. Knowing Hailey had something SO rare almost gave me some comfort...it somehow made me feel like with such odds, this must truly be meant to be our path. And so I am doing everything I can to embrace it, and to share it, because I believe God has a purpose in all things. And each time someone reads this blog and writes me a note or leaves me a comment on my Facebook wall, it is the best thing you could ever do for me. Because in doing so, you are validating Hailey's life more than any condolence ever could (as sweet and kind as those are). You are soothing this mama's aching heart and soul. Thank you, with love.