Let Thankfulness Be Your Guide

When something goes wrong, it is easy to focus on the negative outcome. Instead, I am wading through my grief by holding on to beacons of thankfulness. If you have the patience to read this post, I have an important point to make at the end.

I am thankful for the support of our family: they dropped everything to travel here to Kansas to help hold the fort at our house while I spent months at the hospital with Hailey. They cooked, they cleaned, they helped take care of our son and brought him to visit us in the hospital. They spent nights with me both at Ronald McDonald House and by Hailey's bedside when my husband couldn't come down.

I am thankful for our friends and neighbors: people contributed generous amounts of money so our house could be professionally cleaned, multiple times. One of my closest friends even got my son enrolled in daycare here so we didn't have to worry about finding care for him while we went to the hospital. Folks have also cooked an uncountable number of meals for us, and have helped stock our groceries. They've had meals delivered to us in the hospital, too. Friends from further away have sent gift cards and freezer meals. With their support, I never once had to worry about anything but the health of my daughter. We didn't know she was going to pass on, but our friends and neighbors gave me a gift for which words can never truly express just how thankful I am: they gave me the gift of time and focus with my child for the four months she was alive. And now they remain here, to laugh and cry with me and make sure I get out of the house.

I am thankful for the hospital staff, many of whom we remain friends with. To the nurses who not only cared so diligently for our daughter but were also my shoulder to cry on...Shelly, Debbie, Kristin, Sarah, Abby and all the others...you are angels sent from above. You do the God's honest work in taking care of our sick children, in helping us parents navigate our scariest days, and I am so thankful people like you exist. You are some of the folks who spent the most time with Hailey and knew her best, and you give me peace, knowing you won't forget her. You have all made me want to be a better person and to do more to help others.

I am also thankful for Teesha, the NICU's parent-to-parent relationship coordinator. Her calm voice, easy-going demeanor and gentle spirit were so comforting to me, and have inspired me to want to help other parents with NICU babies. I'm thinking maybe it is time for me to go get that Masters in Social Work!

I am thankful for our nurse practitioner, Christy. As soon as I met her, we clicked. She feels like a kindred spirit and from day one, I have trusted her guidance on medical decisions for Hailey as much as I trusted my own instinct.

I am thankful for all of the doctors who treated Hailey, most especially Dr. Tim, Dr. Petrikin and Dr. Nyp. You are wonderful and kind men who always wanted the best for us. I know you spent tireless hours thinking about and discussing her case, and am so thankful we were able to determine a diagnosis. I am thankful to all of your families, too, for sharing so much of your time with those of us in the hospital.

I am thankful we got to spend a month at home with Hailey, under the illusion we were a happy family of four. I will cherish those memories for all of my life and then some. Many NICU babies don't ever get a single day at home.

I am thankful that places like Ronald McDonald House exist to support families in their time of need. I'm thankful for the food and housing they provided us, the friends we made there and keep in touch with, and those who volunteer their time there. It was a humbling experience to be on the receiving end of charity!

I look with new eyes of thankfulness toward my husband's job. For a long time, I've dreaded the thought of him having to deploy. I've even resented it, because he and many others have already done, in my eyes, their fair share of deployment time. BUT, my husband's job is what provided us with health insurance coverage enough to pay all of Hailey's medical bills. So when he deploys again this year, I will strive to maintain this attitude of gratitude.

I am also thankful to my husband's instructors and current chain of command. He is involved in a very rigorous educational program right now, but they have been so very understanding of everything we have been going through and granted my husband as much time as he needed with our daughter. Again, we never knew what a precious gift that would turn out to be!

I am thankful for the generosity of the hospital's donors. Because of them, upon Hailey's passing, we were informed that no matter what insurance covered (or didn't!), we would never receive a bill for Hailey's care. I believe healthcare is a RIGHT and not a privilege meant only for those who can afford it. NO parent should EVER have to worry about the cost of saving their child's life. EVER.

I am thankful for my son's bright spirit and happy demeanor. Seeing what a wonderful big brother he was to Hailey helps me to see past the immediacy of my grief and makes me want to give that back to him again some day.

I am thankful to my husband for the wonderful relationship we have. When it comes to making end-of-life decisions for your child, some parents disagree about what to do and it is added tension on top of tension. Even though he and I are different in so many ways, we were always on the same page for Hailey and I am SO thankful for that. I am also thankful he could be emotionally strong for me in the mornings, when I was at my weakest, and I was able to be strong enough in the evenings for him after the days had taken their toll. I am thankful we are growing together in our grief, and not apart.

I am thankful for the owner of the Crimson Petal florist in Massachusetts, who designed the most beautiful flowers for Hailey's wake and funeral and only charged us a fraction of the cost. I am thankful to the owner of the barber shop on Main Street, who cut my son's hair for free when she found out we were getting tidied up for Hailey's services. I'm thankful to the funeral director, who took such good care of us across the board, and to the cemetery superintendent, who refused to charge us a thing. I am thankful to my friend Megan, who has the most beautiful singing voice and went to our other friend's recording studio in Nashville to record hymns for Hailey's funeral.

I am thankful for my dog's loving companionship, especially after having to put our cat to rest the day after we brought Hailey home from being born.

I am thankful to have known, for even just a fraction of time, the joy of having a daughter (in addition to our wonderful son).

I am thankful for both the close friends, the distant ones, the acquaintances and classmates from years ago, the neighbors, the immediate and extended family and their friends as well, who all came out to help celebrate Hailey's life and/or sent us cards, flowers, and gifts and made charitable donations in Hailey's memory.

I am thankful for the new people God is putting in my life every day who bring me comfort and joy. When I left to house hunt in Georgia just a few days after burying Hailey, I found comfort in the realtor we bought our home through. We share certain life experiences, and I look forward to building our new friendship. I also look forward to other new Army friends we have already connected with in our next hometown!

I am thankful we have my brother's wedding to look forward to in March. I love my future sister-in-law and all of her family that I have had the pleasure to meet thus far. It is wonderful to have the family grow bigger!

I am thankful, as I will say time and again, for every one of you who read this blog and help me to know my daughter and my time with her mean something. That our suffering serves a purpose.

I am thankful for all of the ways in which the Lord lets me feel both His and my daughter's presence.

I am thankful for my grief because in this suffering, I will better appreciate joy. If losing my daughter does serve a purpose, a major part of that is gaining a better relationship with the Lord, and with all of you.

I know to many, the political and social climate in our country is scary right now. I get that. And maybe my list of thankfulness is tedious to read through (yet probably still isn't half complete). But I want everyone to know there is good in this world. Most people WANT to be kind, if given the opportunity. Sometimes life serves up the opportunity, like in our case with the passing of our daughter. But you can, too. Give people every opportunity to be kind and maybe sometimes you will be disappointed, but I think more often than not, you will find yourself pleasantly surprised. With love.