Navigating the Unthinkable

When you are a kid, you think you are invincible. When you finally earn your driver's license, your parents try to hammer home that, in fact, you are not. Bad things can happen if you aren't careful, they would warn. Sometimes I'd become frustrated at my parents' apparent lack of faith in my driving. To this day, I remember my mother's favorite line when I'd grab the keys to leave the house: "It's not just you I worry about. Watch out for the other guy."

As you grow out of your teen aged years and through your twenties, you experience life. You realize your parents were right and that bad things can happen, even to good people. You learn to be more careful, or at the least, you try to anticipate some of life's sharp curves while you go on new adventures. And that's just how I'd describe having kids: it is an adventure.

When my husband and I discovered we were expecting our first child, we felt pure joy. We'd conceived without trouble, and all of our doctor appointments went smoothly. We experienced a bit of nervousness during the wait for the standard blood test to look for outlying conditions such as Downs, but everything came back clear. In July 2014, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. 

Our son was about 18-months old when we decided we felt ready to expand our family. That might be fast for some folks, but my husband is a twin and loved the closeness he felt growing up with both his twin brother and their two-years elder brother. We had always known we wanted our children to be close in age, but this time we were surprised to find it took us longer to conceive. I was on the verge of going to the doctor to make sure everything was okay when I discovered we had successfully created a life once again.

This being my second pregnancy and with a healthy toddler at home, I didn't feel the same concerns I did with my first pregnancy. I can't explain why. Certainly, as more of my friends had children, I became much more aware of infertility struggles, miscarriages and heartbreaking decisions to terminate wanted pregnancies due to fatal fetal illnesses and risks to the mother's health. 

Beyond that, this pregnancy was different from my first. It was harder, but that wasn't necessarily saying much considering that my first pregnancy was such a breeze. The second time around, I experienced everything you hear women complain about: the nausea, the heartburn, and oh my gosh, the SWELLING! All while trying to chase our toddler around through 100-degree summer days. He loves to be outside all day, just like his Daddy. But the day I found out we were expecting a girl made it all worth it: I will cherish it as one of the happiest days of my life. I remain so close with my own mother, and after witnessing what a carbon copy my son is of my husband, I desperately wanted that with a daughter. 

On Labor Day, I gave birth to our daughter. It was a repeat c-section, and unlike our son, she cried the moment they pulled her out of me. I sighed, laughed with joy, and said to my husband, "Oh thank God. She's healthy!" Little did we know what laid in store for us. 

Tomorrow is January 5, 2017. It is our daughter's four-month birthday, and it is also the occasion of her wake. Her funeral will be held the following day. You see, I cradled our precious Hailey Grace in my arms as she passed from this world on December 30, 2016.

We discovered firsthand what our parents try to teach us as teens. We are not invincible. Bad things happen to good people...sometimes no matter how careful they are. We are experiencing every parents' worst nightmare: the death of a child. People say they can't imagine what we are going through, and I don't want them to have to. So I'm starting this blog. But if you think this is going to be a sad blog to lament the passing of my cherished child or begrudge other folks their still happy, smiling, healthy children, you are wrong. 

Hailey Grace is a gift to the world. God put her on this Earth for a reason, to teach us something. While I cried to the doctors at the hospital that I never wanted whatever I needed to learn to be at her expense, she did - in fact - teach me so very much in her short time here. THAT is what I want to share with the world. I hope you will let me share with you.