I also believe in "signs" from our loved ones. Don't get me wrong --- I don't have any special talents to see or hear spirits like Jennifer Love Hewitt on that old show the Ghost Whisperer, but I like to believe that if we pay attention, we will know those we love are still with us. Notice how I said I "LIKE" to believe? It is a conscious choice on my part, not born out of logic but of love and faith. Because if you get down to it, maybe it is similar to reading your horoscope...did the prediction become true because it was meant to, or because you looked for ways to make it so?
For the past week, I have had trouble falling asleep because each night, I worried about how I would know our Hailey. She was so young...she passed days before her four month birthday. We didn't have many shared experiences for me to feel confident I would recognize when she was reaching out to me.
When my aunt and godmother lost her battle with breast cancer a number of years ago, I knew clear as day when she was with me, and I still do. To elaborate, there was a period of time when I was a little girl that my aunt came to live with us. She was my Mom's younger sister, and she stayed in our spare bedroom when she first moved back to Massachusetts from Florida. Most mornings, I would creep into her room to wake her up so we could watch PeeWee's Playhouse together. She always wore silk PJ pants and she would stretch her long legs out off the end of the bed to make a slide for me to ride down as we giggled the early morning away.
Many years later, on the occasion of her passing, I spent a lot of time with her two sons and tried my best to hold myself together. But the night before I was to return to work, all my sorrow came tumbling out of me and I cried endlessly until I fell asleep. The next morning, my heartache clung to me like a bad hangover and I struggled to wake up and get ready to head into the office. I reached for the TV remote and clicked on the news in the hopes that it would help me prepare for the day.
Now as many of you may remember, PeeWee and his Playhouse went off the air and out of the public eye for a couple of decades due to a public (and gross!) indiscretion on his part. But that morning, the first news story I heard was about PeeWee. If I remember correctly, he was emerging back into the public eye and trying to make a stage version of his show. I felt as though my aunt was sending me a sign, and I felt uplifted and hopeful enough to get out of bed and move on with my life.
And I was not the only one who received signs from my aunt...there are others in the family who could tell you stories as well. For one, the first spring after my aunt passed, the bleeding heart flower bloomed all over her husband's house when it had never grown there before. I mention this in particular because while Hailey was in the hospital, whenever I came and went, I would have to walk down a long corridor filled with paintings of kids and photographs of flowers. And you better believe that one of the frames on display was of the bleeding heart flower. Every single time I passed it, I said a prayer to my aunt and felt as though she was with me.
But how would I know our Hailey? Yesterday was one of my first full days back home after traveling to lay Hailey to rest and then jetting off to house hunt in our next duty station and attend my future sister-in-law's wedding shower. I dropped our two-year old off at daycare, came back to a quiet house and wondered what to do next. I've had so little time to myself over these past few months...I decided to brew myself a cup of coffee and watch an action movie that was guaranteed not to further mess with any of my heart strings.
I started up the DVD player before I turned the TV on so I wouldn't have to listen to all of the yapping that goes on before the movie actually plays. Once I had my coffee in hand and was settled in comfortably on the couch with our dog and a cozy blanket, I hit the TV "on" button and was struck dumb by what I saw.
To give a quick moment of backstory, Halloween was the first of a handful of holidays Hailey spent in the hospital during her short life. And on that day, I left her bedside for a few minutes to pop down to the cafeteria to get something to eat. When I came back, her tiny, swaddled body was draped with a Wonder Woman cape. Volunteers had made superhero capes for all the sick babies, and it brought tears to my eyes. Our daughter was indeed fighting with all her might, and that superhero cape is one of the few keepsakes I took home from the hospital by which to remember her and her strength of spirit.
When I turned the TV on yesterday, the first thing I saw in a size that took up the entirety of our screen was the Wonder Woman logo, followed by a clip of the upcoming movie. I realized I'd actually turned the movie on in the smack dab middle of the trailer, but that was the moment in which the logo emblazoned across the screen. I choose to believe the timing was not luck, but Hailey bringing me peace just as my aunt did when I came face-to-face with figuring out my new normal.
And if that weren't enough, after I finished watching my movie, I decided to go upstairs to take a shower. I purloined our Amazon radio thing, Alexa, from the kitchen and brought her up with me so I could listen to music while I bathed. I didn't like the idea of too much silence. I turned the water as hot as I could stand it and went about my business. It wasn't until I turned the water off and began to step out of the shower that the song Hailey was born to began playing on the radio. As if I could have ignored the first signal she sent me, she provided another. I felt such amazing comfort.
Despite our short time together, and our limited cache of shared experiences, I have faith that my daughter will always be with me. She was there for me yesterday, to reveal her presence and bring me peace. I hope I will always be open enough and mindful enough as we go through what can be hectic days, months and years, to see her and to hear her and to feel her with me.
I need to remember this moment. This quiet space. And try to maintain it moving forward with deep breaths and a centeredness I may sometimes fail at, but know is possible. Thank you, Hailey Grace.
Sweet, sweet, memories ----*tears
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