On Her First Birthday, A Legacy of Love

At this time last year, I was in the hospital, preparing to give birth to Hailey. She was born on September 5, 2016, and it was an easy if cheesy joke to quip that I labored on Labor Day. Unlike her big brother, she cried the moment they pulled her out of me and I remember sighing in relief to my husband and exalting, "Oh thank God, she is healthy!!!"

Little did we know how wrong I would soon be proven. Above is a photograph of a few of the items by which I remember Hailey today. The outfit her big brother picked out for her and that she wore home from the hospital. The little lovey bear she clung to once she was readmitted to the hospital a month later, never to leave again. A lock of her hair, which now separated from her head looks like a dull brown rather than the strawberry blonde luster we originally knew it by. And a tiny locket the hospital made for us, with a shrunken image of Hailey's little hand print.

It would be easy to sit here tonight, on the eve of my daughter's first birthday, and write about all that we have lost. I certainly feel it in my heart as my grief threatens to pull me under. But I think a better way to pay homage to the joyous occasion of my daughter's birth is to think about all that I have gained through her.

Thanks to Hailey Grace, I have made new friends. From the staff at the children's hospital who cared for us, to fellow NICU parents, members of our Army community, and folks we've met since moving to Georgia, who were brave enough to befriend me despite the fact that I'm going through one of life's worst moments....I am so thankful for all of you.

I have had my faith in humanity bolstered by the many acts of kindness folks have shown us. From the woman who cut my son's hair for free when she heard it was for his sister's funeral, to the old high school acquaintance who gifted me the most stunning bouquet for Hailey's grave...people really do care.

I'm thankful I have gained a deeper relationship with existing friends through their many gestures of support, from cross-country trips to attend Hailey's services, their words of love, their continued outreach to make sure I am okay and their patience when I sometimes take too long to respond.

And, my relationship with running has evolved from a necessary evil to my cherished, prayerful time with the daughter I will always miss, but will always carry in my heart.

Thanks to our journey with Hailey, I now possess and even deeper appreciation for my husband and son. My husband, for his steadfast and positive outlook on life and for the mutual support we have provided each other through some of life's darkest moments. (The enormity of the balance he provides my life is so keenly felt now while he is deployed!). And if I ever thought I couldn't cherish my son more than I already did before, I was wrong. The twinkle of joy in his eyes, the sound of his laughter and his bright and inquisitive nature have all helped me continue to get out of bed each day and look forward to the future.

I have learned to take nothing for granted. Good health, a cool breeze on a warm day, even bad things that later turn out for the good...I now have better patience for God's plan. Even though I may still sob for missing Hailey, I can look back upon our journey with her and see the small gifts along the way...that we got to enjoy a month at home with her, believing we had a happy, healthy family. That she didn't die at her lowest point in the hospital, when she was so emaciated and sickly-looking. I'm not sure if I could have survived losing her looking like she did then...with barely any life left in her eyes. Instead, she held on and gained weight and I got to see her rosy cheeked and bright-eyed and a more healthy size before we had to let her go. I was confident from the way she looked at me then that she KNEW the love we held for her.

Our sweet Hailey was full of gifts, even in her passing. My husband and I prayed that after we removed Hailey's breathing tube that she wouldn't struggle or suffer greatly. We prayed that our son would get to hold her one last time, and that we would get to hear her voice once more. God, and Hailey, allowed us all of that. She held on just long enough for one last visit with her brother, and moments later in my arms, her voice let out the softest of sighs that everyone in the room got to hear before I literally FELT her soul leave her body.

The moment I felt Hailey leave is the closest I've ever felt to Heaven, and yet since losing her, I've also felt so much more in-tune with the world around me here on Earth. I look for signs from my daughter, and connections I never would have noticed before.

When Hailey was alive and fighting the good fight, there were a few songs I used to play in an attempt to bring her comfort. One of them was an acoustic version of How Great Thou Art. Well, a few weeks ago after my husband deployed, I fell asleep praying to God and Hailey. And during the night, I dreamt so vividly of How Great Thou Art being sung like I'd never heard it before...first by one singer, then by a duet, only to close with the magnificent joy I could only attribute to a majestic, Heavenly choir.  I knew it was like nothing I could ever hear on Earth, and I felt like I'd received another gift from my daughter.

For the rest of my life, I will remain in awe of Hailey's spirit and strength. I will remain thankful for these many gifts with which she continues to bless me. She has taught me how to survive, how to choose love, how to embrace my sorrow but also search for a healthy way forward.

On the occasion of Hailey's first birthday, I'd like to celebrate her short but impactful life with a fabulous idea from a dear friend. I'd like to launch a Random Acts of Kindness/Pay it Forward Campaign in Hailey's memory. The rules are simple: by following this link, you can download cards to hand out when you offer an act of kindness in Hailey's name. They include a link to Hailey's story, as I've written it in this blog. They also include a link to a Facebook page entitled Honoring Hailey, where I'd love it if people would post about the things they've done for others in our daughter's memory. Please help us expand her legacy of love --- it is the best gift you could ever give my family, I promise.

With love, and a grateful heart. Happy 1st Birthday, dear, sweet Hailey Grace!!!