What We Need

Sometimes in life, we are lucky enough to receive what we need, when we need it.

I think back to our time with Hailey in the hospital, and the days when doctors were considering diagnoses that would have meant prolonged suffering with little quality of life for our daughter before she passed away. These scary moments allowed me to feel thankful when Hailey's heart failed her quickly, and her suffering was greatly reduced from what it could have been.

I think back to the days shortly after Hailey passed away, when a good friend asked to host a half-marathon for Hailey's half birthday. At first I was daunted by the prospect of participating, as I felt as Hailey's mother, I must. But we all ran the miles over a few days, and the half-marathon turned out to be the best thing for me. Running got me moving, and it morphed what had been a laborious hobby of mine into my cherished bonding time with my daughter. I'm 25 weeks pregnant now with Hailey's baby sister, but I'm still running my miles each week, and talking to Hailey the whole time. Whether out loud or in my head, I tell her I love her every 30 seconds or so while I run. I push myself harder for her. I pray for her forgiveness that I couldn't give her a better life, and I ask her blessing and support to help me to be the best mother I can to her big brother and baby sister.

I think of last night, when I lay in bed by myself, missing Hailey. I cried as I looked through pictures of her, and wished my husband was here to give me a hug. I started to Google support groups for folks who have lost a child. I haven't been to one before, mainly because I knew after losing Hailey that we were about to move and I didn't want to go through something that raw with folks and then have to tear myself away to relocate across the country. And so last night, with my husband deployed halfway across the globe, I thought maybe I could find one.

People have been so, so kind since Hailey got sick and then passed away, but sometimes all that can help is just talking to someone else who is walking a similar path. Even though I might usually feel emotionally at peace with losing my child, I still ache from missing her. And now I don't have the physical proximity of my husband to hold me and let me know he feels the longing for our daughter as well.

It can also feel very isolating at times...to feel this curse of losing a child and to feel like you are the only one you know who has gone through it.

Unfortunately, I didn't stumble onto any nearby support groups. Attending would also require the logistics of a babysitter for my son since I'm on my own for a bit...but today, THE VERY NEXT DAY, I got what I needed. A friend reached out because she knows someone here locally who has also lost a child and asked me if I'd speak with her. My heart leapt at the thought and I eagerly agreed. I know everyone is at different points in their lives (and in our case, journey of loss), and this woman and I may or may not click, but it made me so happy to have this opportunity to connect with someone else who has been there. Even if it is just for one meet up...although hopefully we can become friends! At any rate, I just felt blessed when this happened today, and thankful to the universe.

With love and a grateful heart.