Make Your World Small

When your child endures a lengthy stay in the hospital, their treatment bay or room (if you are lucky enough to be granted one) becomes your world. You learn all of the doctors' names and know who is on rotation. You make friends with the nurses and always hope you are staffed with a familiar face. You figure out when the hospital cafe stops serving coffee and which day of the week your favorite meal is served in the cafeteria. It can be hard, at times, in the midst of deciphering medical jargon and evolving diagnoses, to remember a broader world exists outside the hospital walls.

I grew so accustomed to our hospital routine that even now, months after sweet Hailey has passed away, I miss the comfort of the routine we found for ourselves. I miss holding my daughter. I miss the social conversations I had with the nurses. When Hailey was well enough for me to sleep back at my house with my husband and son, I miss the routine of calling the hospital on those nights around 9 p.m., when I knew the evening nurse had just weighed my daughter. Every new ounce gained was a victory of enormous proportions, and we always celebrated together. I knew everyone was rooting for my daughter, and for us.

Fast forward to this past week. On social media and in the news, I viewed many opinions about the controversy surrounding NFL players taking a knee during the playing of the national anthem, the debate reignited by some fiery remarks made by President Trump. I am touched by the patriotism so many feel for this country, and wish more of these folks felt moved to serve in our all-volunteer force. I feel proud of the men and women who do serve in our military to protect the many freedoms we hold dear. I feel disheartened by the racial divide that still exists in our country today, which I see born out not only in national protests and news headlines but also in the broken hearts of neighbors and friends who have to worry for the safety of their children simply because of the color of their skin.

Having recently had to evacuate our own home for Hurricane Irma, and having had to endure only 24-hours of life without electricity with a rambunctious but healthy toddler, my heart is shattered for the people of Puerto Rico. They are citizens of this country (although their need is the same even if they were not!), and yet they have had to endure unspeakable hardships while awaiting our aid. Their needs are immediate. They are without food, water, power and running low on gas. Hospitals - including children's hospitals - are running out of the diesel they need to keep sick children alive. I pray that everyone who has found time to debate taking a knee also finds it in their heart to give to the people of Puerto Rico and those others recently impacted by natural disasters.

For my friends who have felt disheartened by recent events, I would like to say a few things. First, as my husband pointed out, just because we disagree doesn't mean I dislike you. I think many of us have lost the ability to listen to opposing view points with an open heart. Truly, I'm not above that struggle. But listening with an open heart is the only way we can learn from each other. Just because a truth is not YOUR truth, doesn't mean it isn't true for someone else. We all walk different paths and should not discount each other. When talking with someone else with whom you disagree, try asking more questions rather than making heated statements.

Second, and most importantly, people can still be good if you give them the opportunity NOT to disappoint you. I admit to feeling disheartened like many others with what is going on these days, but all I have to do is simply think back to my journey with Hailey and all of the many kindnesses people showed us. I think back to how desperate my heart felt in those days, and how small my hospital world with Hailey was.

And so in closing, I offer you this advice: make your world small. Tune out all the noise and the people who don't matter. Surround yourself with people who lift you up until you feel brave enough to take a chance on strangers again. Focus on what you CAN do to be the change you want to see: practice listening with an open heart, give to people in need, and let your voice be heard through action...volunteer, vote, LOVE.

In my house, we hung a shelf made by my husband on the wall across from where I run on the treadmill. On it sits a portrait from our wedding day, when we looked out on the world with love in our eyes and hope in our hearts. Next to it is a picture of Hailey taken in the hospital, sleeping in my arms --- chosen specifically to remind me how hard our daughter fought and yet that she still found moments of peace amidst it all. Beside her, there is a tiny glass jar with a bird perched above it, to remind me the Lord keeps his eye on the sparrow. And an angel and lantern as well, to always help guide us. All of this, and the sound of our son's laughter echoing through the hallways of our home, keep my heart lifted in times such as these. Hailey taught me we can all find peace amidst the struggle, and use it to stay centered. With love and a grateful heart.
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