Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Your Sound Bites, Our Suffering

   Recently, the state of New York passed some new abortion laws. It was emotionally very hard for me to scroll through Facebook to see many inflammatory "articles" or commentaries from clearly biased news sources or Facebook personalities being shared over and over again. I read comments from people filled with outrage, decrying that they would NEVER murder their child. Murder is a very loaded term. And it is all too easy these days to speak in sound bites - which might catch everyone's attention but also shows a lack of consideration for the nuances of life.

   I didn't see as many articles "celebrating" the new law that would allow women to "murder their children right up until birth" (although I am sure there are those people out there), but I did see friends who are staunch supporters of a woman's right to choose comment about their support for women's access to increased reproductive rights.

   I try not to begrudge people their views, whether they are the same or differ from mine. However, I think the way we talk to each other and about each other can be completely devoid of empathy or sympathy, and downright shameful. It is all too easy to draw attention with click bait headlines, to not check the veracity or bias of a news source, or to speak from upon a high horse about what you would do in a situation you've never actually been faced with. Or maybe you have been faced with it and made a different choice, but does that give you the right to be hateful to someone else who might not have had the "strength of character" or support system that you did?

   I don't think we should ever celebrate the ending of a life, whether it is due to an abortion or executing a prisoner on death row. It is a very serious decision and one I think most people *in their right mind* wouldn't take lightly.

   The thing is, there often aren't easy answers in life. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, as the saying goes. Every decision carries impacts - some we can foresee, and some we never could have guessed.

   Hailey has been gone for a little over two years now, and yet when I picked my four year old son up from preschool on Valentine's Day, he was sobbing. Couldn't catch his breath, tears soaking his face, and a heartbreak reflected in his eyes that NO child that young should know. Why? Because he missed Hailey. Because it was "Love Day," as he calls it, and they were talking about love words. And he wanted to "hug Hailey and smooch her" but he couldn't because she was in Heaven. He sobbed that he wanted her to grow big. Can you imagine what seeing my son's grief, on top of my own, did to me in that moment? How he felt, at just four years old, to know a pain he can't even comprehend the enormity of?

   As parents, we want to do everything in our power to protect our children. We dread the age when kids stop just openly loving everyone and start to notice differences. We want to strangle any kid that looks at our own child sideways or makes them feel excluded.

   When we decided to try for another baby after losing Hailey, we knew there was a one in four chance the baby might have the same terminal genetic disorder and if so, wouldn't survive long after birth. I don't regret any part of my time with Hailey, but I have spoken honestly about how she suffered. And we suffered. And clearly we are ALL still suffering for having lost her.

   When Hailey was sick, my son lost me to the hospital for the four months she was alive. The few times I left to go home for visits, I could barely hold it together to even just sit and hold him and watch a kid show with him. Or play blocks. I'd sit with him for ten minutes, then have to excuse myself to my room to sob for twenty minutes, and then I'd return to try to sit with him for ten more minutes. And even for that little time I was at home with my son, I felt wracked with guilt for leaving my daughter's bedside for even a moment. THINK about that. Look at your own children, and really try to imagine yourself in my position. I can't imagine how we would have managed or what balance we would have found if Hailey's battle had been a longer one.

   Thankfully, when we did get pregnant with another baby girl, we were able to undergo genetic testing and found out our second daughter did NOT have Hailey's terminal genetic syndrome. I don't know what decision we would have made if she had: I prayed night and day that I wouldn't be faced with that. Some days, I think I know what I would have done, but I can't say for sure because I thankfully wasn't put in that position to have to find out for sure. Would I have spared the baby his or her physical suffering after birth, or placed more weight on sparing us ours for a baby who wasn't destined to survive? (I am not discounting aborting a baby as physical suffering to the child).

   So, this post isn't to put forth an argument against abortion or for reproductive rights because I don't think people really change their minds on their core beliefs. What I hope to continue to provide is some perspective so that people can rediscover their sympathy and empathy. To understand that life isn't black and white and that the flashy headlines and dire soundbites wound people who are likely already hurting. As I sit here writing this blog post, I remember EVERY SINGLE PERSON who made inflammatory posts or comments when the New York abortion law was signed. I read all of the comments your supporters made. I am wondering if any of you are reading this blog post now, and if you are really HEARING me in your HEART.

   Be pro-life, but PLEASE don't decry murdering babies. Be pro-choice, but PLEASE discuss abortion with the solemnity and respect it deserves as a decision to end a life.

   And PLEASE know there are people and families who hear your words - and while the ones who support you may high-five you, and make you feel self-righteous or justified - the ones you've hurt will quietly go to bed with tears in their eyes and an ache in their heart. Because they just spent Valentine's Day trying to console their son who desperately misses his baby sister. Because they are thankful their second daughter was born healthy and they weren't faced with making an awful decision for which they STILL don't know what they would have chosen. But perhaps most importantly, because they fear what is becoming of the world around them.

   PLEASE speak with love and a grateful heart. For all of our heartbreak in losing Hailey, if this blog post can give some real-life perspective and soften the words of even one person in the abortion debate (notice I didn't say change the opinion of - just SOFTEN the words of), I can draw a good deal of comfort in that.

<3

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