The past few years, it has been hard to get to church. It's true that I never enjoyed going much until my late twenties, when I stumbled onto some joyful and invigorating church communities and my now husband introduced me to the enriching environment a small group/Bible study can provide.
But, moving around with the military can make it hard because every few years we have to start the church search all over again. And having kids can make getting to church hard, too. When my son was very young, his feeding and nap schedule never seemed to work out with the distance we had to drive to attend a church we liked. Then as he got older, his rambunctious spirit sent shivers down my spine at the thought of getting him to sit through a service. And I had to drop out of not one, not two but three different Bible studies because my normally happy son wouldn't tolerate the free care provided by the Bible-study organizers.
Then Hailey was born. And I spent all my time in the hospital, and many tearful moments in the hospital chapel. It was a beautiful place filled with desperation, hope, love, empathy...I miss it and often wish I could go back. It was a room filled with golden light and it made me feel like I was sitting inside a star. It is where I spent Christmas last year...I think it is the only year in my entire life that I didn't formally attend church in celebration of Christ's birth. I just sat there myself in the hospital chapel and prayed. And on December 30, it is where we baptized Hailey and let her go home to be with God.
I've gone to church since then. Only formally for Hailey's funeral mass. But other times, just to sit in a church and pray. To feel closer to God, whom I've never stopped talking to, and now my daughter in Heaven. But I kind of knew that wasn't enough.
So a few days ago, when a friend here in Georgia asked me to go check out a new church with her that she was curious about, I agreed to go if the church could provide childcare for our kids (especially since both of our husbands are away and not around to help right now). I felt like maybe my friend's invitation was a sign, and maybe it was time.
Believing people look for signs --- whether you believe in horoscopes and look for them to be true, or you believe in God and look for Him to be true. Skeptical people struggle with the idea of signs and balance them against logic. Did your horoscope really come to fruition, or did you look for ways to make it so? Am I truly receiving signs from my daughter that she is still with me, or from God that He wants me back at church, or am I being fanciful because my heart longs for it to be so? Or is it all hindsight, it being 20/20 after all?
I don't know. But I couldn't have predicted how my visit to this new church would go. The pastor started the sermon talking about recent events in Las Vegas, which I figured was par for the course. What I didn't anticipate was that the rest of his talk would veer into the pain of losing a child. Or the compassion Jesus feels for us in such a moment. Oh and that friend that I was checking out the church with? The thing that first brought us together was that she has lost a child, too. So we both sat there, next to each other, in that church for the first time, and we both felt so stunned. And so moved.
The pastor spoke about believing in God and in Heaven and how our children will greet us again someday. He relayed a story he once read, written by a woman who imagined twins in the womb. They enjoyed their lives in utero, but as they aged, the quarters became more cramped and they began to sense a change was coming. One twin embraced it and was excited for birth, but the other felt nervous. He wondered, "how do we know life exists after birth? How do we know our mother really exists? We've never met her. No one has ever come back to tell us there is more after this life in here."
But of course, we all now know life does exist after birth and it is wonderful. And I look forward to discovering the beauty of life after death because I hope I will see Heaven one day, and my daughter's spirit made whole. On Sunday, I felt God pulling me close to Him and I'm thankful He'd still make such an effort for me. I look forward to spending more time in His House so that I may know Him better now, while I'm still here on Earth.
With love, and a grateful heart.
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