Be Humble

As individuals, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. I consider humility a strength, even though it hasn't seemed fashionable for a while. Rather, it appears that we want so badly for everyone to realize their full potential, to feel fulfilled by everything they do, that we are constantly building each other up, often to false heights. Perhaps it started with the "everyone gets a trophy" class participation model. I don't know. At the same time, we live in a society that is so quick to separate the winners from the losers. Humility is also lost in the rush to prove WE aren't one of the losers. We are becoming a society of braggarts.

People who brag about their accomplishments are insecure. They have a need to prove their value, and that they are at least competitive with, if not better than, their peers. I am self-aware enough, yet not proud, to admit I am one of these people. Perhaps my insecurity about my intelligence and my accomplishments worsened when I left the working world to become a stay at home Mom, but if you talk to me long enough, I will be sure to tell you that I attended a top college for my undergraduate degree. That I worked at one of the top consulting firms and one of the best ad agencies in the country. That my clients were big name companies everyone would recognize.

I might sit there and bemoan with other Moms the weight I've gained since having kids. I'd make sure to mention I was a fantastic size zero when I got pregnant with my first...because if you think about it, our society values skinny as an accomplishment and I want you to know I checked that box, too. Because really, growing up, I carried my baby fat into high school and didn't really "blossom" until long after. I'm pretty sure that is the definition of insecurity.

My husband, on the other hand, is the opposite of me. He is humble. He has a quiet confidence and can-do attitude that underlies all that he does. He is secure enough in who he is that he is not scared to try new things for fear of being marked by failure. For example, we bought a sewing machine but I couldn't for the life of me remember from sixth grade home ec. class how to thread the darn thing. Well, my husband noticed me standing there, rendered helpless at the prospect of messing something up. Without me even noticing what he was up to, he watched a YouTube video about it on his phone and got right to threading the machine for me.

My husband is also the guy who will sit in a bar, listening to a much younger soldier regale him with fantastical war stories, while never mentioning his own military service or deployments. He feels uncomfortable wearing his uniform off post unless it is absolutely necessary...I think because he doesn't quite know how to react when people thank him for his service. Furthermore, he doesn't want them to feel obligated to do so.

Listen to me. I'm a braggart about my own husband. But I figure this type of bragging is okay because it is about the love I have for him, not a deep-rooted insecurity in myself.

But really, who I am (and am not) and how great my husband is, didn't matter. Our daughter still got very sick. It just took us, and the doctors, a while to realize how sick.

During those mystery days that stretched into weeks and then months, we met other parents whose babies were also patients in the NICU. Many of them appeared to have very complicated diagnoses, which we would learn about as we bumped into each other in the break room and chatted with each other as we refilled our water bottles or fixed ourselves a plate of leftovers from the fridge.

Although I may be an insecure person prone to bragging, I hope I can genuinely say that I've always felt very sympathetic and empathetic toward others. In that break room, I wore my heart on my sleeve as I listened to what other parents were facing, and hugged one friend tightly while she cried on the day she was taking her daughter out of the hospital to pass away peacefully at home.

But secretly, inwardly, I was so grateful it wasn't MY child. We were just in the hospital because Hailey threw up a funny color. And maybe had a weird intestinal thing going on. If it were serious, in the worst case scenario, I figured maybe she would need surgery or something. But then as time passed and as you all know by now, more symptoms soon appeared. And things got very bad. And we became the parents in the break room that others likely pitied and secretly thanked God they weren't as bad off as we were.

In January, we buried our sweet Hailey. All of the other parents we met? I am happy to say all of their children are still alive and fighting the good fight.

And thus, MY lesson in humility. You never know what God has in store for you, either good or bad. And therefore, I learned I should never be overly confident in my position in life. Everything is by His grace. This isn't to say I believe God took my daughter from me out of spite...I simply believe He has a greater plan, and I am waiting to see what it is.

In learning to be more humble, I hope to someday be able to emulate my husband's ability to not ever brag. I think a more likely start for me --- and one that would more immediately benefit my marriage!! --- would be to become better at accepting criticism. An insecure person resists constructive feedback at all costs because it hits too close to the bone, and I'm no different. But no one is perfect, and there is likely no one better than my spouse or other immediate family members to tell me what I need to work on!

Or really, I think my first step in humility was this blog post. To lay myself bare in front of all of you in hopes of beginning a path to becoming a better person. As with many things I do these days, in honor of Hailey. With love, and a grateful heart.