Mixed Feelings this Mother's Day

I remember the first Mother's Day I celebrated as a mother...our first child --- our son --- was to be born in July, so I was fully pregnant and I would feel him kick but he had not yet joined us. Still, we celebrated. My husband and I were happy and excited and had no concerns about our pregnancy. We bore no concept of the trials many newborns can face.

Years later, during the many days and nights I spent in the NICU with Hailey, I marveled at how many of the nurses were themselves pregnant. I wondered at their strength. Every day, they see the worst of what can happen to our babies, and still they find the courage to begin and expand their own families. My husband and I had been relatively unsuspecting. But these women, they are FULLY informed. God bless them. I wish I could give them not our sad story with Hailey to put worry in their hearts, but all of our hope and joy and the excitement and love a new baby brings.

And as for this Mother's Day --- my first as a mother with a child in Heaven --- I just don't want to celebrate it. I wish it would pass without notice. You see, there are things you can know, logically, to be true. In my mind, I know I did everything for Hailey that I could. I know I left nothing on the table. I didn't leave her side for weeks on end in the hospital. I fought for her. I set all else aside for her. Truly, if I have any regrets, I know it is my guilt nitpicking and that I'm being overly hard on myself.

But in my heart, it is a different story. In my heart, no matter what my mind knows, I feel as though I failed my daughter. I know it was an unfortunate mix of a bad gene from both my husband and I that caused Hailey's terminal genetic syndrome, but somehow I feel the full weight of the blame. It was MY body that grew her for nine months. It was MY body that set the scene for the faulty genes to meet.

So yes, I KNOW I am a good mother to my son. I KNOW I was the best mother I could be to Hailey. But it is still a bridge too far for me to celebrate Mother's Day this year. I think I will likely be fine next year. But this year is too soon. Too harsh. Too much a reminder of my failings.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful friend who understands this journey I'm on and sent me a special book that was so perfectly timed in its arrival this week. It is called, "You are the Mother of all Mothers," and it tells me exactly what I need to hear. That I didn't fail Hailey. That I'm not a bad person who did anything to deserve this. I stare at the pages with the most simple of sentences to absolve me of my harshest self-criticisms, and try to own it. I'm working on it.

Tonight, I'd like to close with a quote I read on another friend's blog. It cracks my heart open every time.

"Lord, hold my child close to You,

And if You will, I plea,

That as You hold her close to You,

She remember when I held her

close to me."

-from Out of the Mouths of Babes 3/3/08