Gifts for Healing

When someone you care about loses someone they love, you struggle to figure out how to help hold their broken heart. You wish you could take some of the pain for them, and search for any way possible to help ease their suffering. Even more difficult, everyone grieves differently. What might help one person heal may hurt another. That is why, when someone offers words of support, even if they hurt my feelings, I accept them kindly because I know the person is trying to show me love. And really, one day you might say to me, "Everything happens for a reason," and I can take comfort in that, whereas if you'd said it to me the day before, it might have hurt. So it is hard to be there for those who are grieving, and I get it. I've felt the struggle before, too!

I feel so blessed to have so many people looking out for me as I mourn my daughter and try to move forward with life. There are folks like Anne and Chrystie and Aunt Valerie who have given us angel figures to decorate our home and remind us of our daughter in Heaven. There are others like Christel, Janelle, Natalie, Christie, Jenn and Sarah who have gifted me with pieces of jewelry to celebrate my daughter. There are Hailey's hospital caregivers --- Dr. Tim, Teesha, Christy, Kristen and Shelley --- who, even though Hailey has passed, continue to meet up with me and cheer our family on. There is my neighbor Lindsey, who went through the chain of command on post to have a memorial bench and garden planted in our neighborhood in Hailey's memory. There is Jena, who is having a mass dedicated to Hailey, and Amanda, who comments her support on every blog post I write in celebration of my daughter. Countless folks are lifting us up right now, in many different ways, and it is amazing!

This past week, my good friend Melani reached out to me and asked me if she could dedicate running a half-marathon to Hailey's half-birthday, which was on Sunday. I thought - oh boy! I run a handful of miles each week, but I've never had the desire to train for any sort of distance run. I'm also still working on my post-baby Mom-bod, which was waylaid by the amount of time I spent in the hospital with Hailey. This was for my daughter though, so I knew I had to participate.

Luckily, Melani told me the 13.1 miles could be split up over the whole week, and she gifted me these socks for inspiration. They are Wonder Woman socks, including capes and all, and are reminiscent of the Wonder Woman costume volunteers donated to Hailey since we spent her only Halloween in the hospital. My daughter was indeed a superhero, fighting back from her immune and digestive systems being ravaged before her failing heart was too much to overcome. She gave her short life her all, and I will always be so very proud of her.

And so, as I undertook Hailey's Half-Birthday Half-Marathon this week, I wanted her to be proud of me. In five days, I ran MORE than 13.1 miles in her memory. I ran on the treadmill and outside. I did speed runs, incline runs and endurance runs. Melani created a Facebook Group and invited others to run in Hailey's memory, and I got to see photos from women living around the country as they dedicated their runs to Hailey, and I loved it. While I had at first felt intimidated by Melani's idea, I ended up feeling so fulfilled and I received an amazing gift.

On the first day that I ran, I was simply focused on completing a non-embarrassing distance since I'm still working back into things after Hailey's passing. I surpassed my initial goal rather mindlessly. The next day when I went running, something incredible occurred. I happened to be wearing the necklace one of my best friends Christie gave me that day. It comprises a medium-length silver chain, and from it hangs three pieces: an angel wing, Hailey's blue birth stone, and a tiny silver disc with the letter H inscribed on it.

Have any of you ever gone running while wearing a necklace? Ever since my son was born, I almost always have a small one on...whether it was my son's initial or now these beautiful necklaces I have to celebrate Hailey. When I go running, they usually don't bother me. If they do, I just flip the pendant part around to fall between my shoulder blades and the problem is solved.

Well, on the second day that I ran for Hailey, I went into it much as I did the first. I simply wanted to check the box on my distance for the day. But as I started to run, my necklace started bouncing up and down like crazy, annoying me quite a bit. It hadn't done so the day before, so I didn't know why it was happening then. Frustrated at the distraction, I tried twisting the pendant around to my back. It worked its way forward once, and then immediately again, to keep bouncing over my heart. Every time I pushed it back, it came forward. I've NEVER had a necklace do that after I repositioned it for a run, especially not so frequently. And then it hit me.

For those of you who have read all of my blog posts, you may remember my post wondering, "How Will I Know Her?". Since Hailey passed so young and we spent so much of our time in the hospital, we didn't have a wide range of experiences to share. No inside jokes. Not many memories of her in our home or in special outfits or even just seeing her smile. And so after she left this world, my broken heart cried for how I was supposed to feel her with me. I've lost other family members before and at times, felt I received signs that they were close to me. But how would I know my daughter was near?

I know without a doubt she was with me on that run, and on all of the runs I did for her this week. I believe it was Hailey pushing her necklace forward around my neck, so I would feel her over my heart with every step I took. Her heart failed, but she will always be in mine and I know she didn't want me doing those runs mindlessly and alone. It was our time to spend together in celebration of her.

So, thank you, Melani. And to all of the other Stroller Strong Moms who "sweat like a mother" and donated their runs to Hailey this week. You gave me a gift like no other. You allowed me a sign to know my daughter is with me. With love, a grateful heart and happy tears.